LOVE at FIRST SEX

Are there any chances for a person to fall in love at first sight? . . . . . . . Love at first sight is such a wonderful and yet at the same time a mythical approach of exaggerated romanticism. In my own words, love at first sight is a sugar-coated candy, embittered at the core. If there are no chances for a person of falling in love at first sight, how about falling in love at first sex?

It would be very hard to admit that gays have a distinguished reputation of being sexually active. Apparently, it is quite true. Ask a gay man when was the last time that he had sex and his answer would be predictable, if not then probably he is lying. An average mature gay man should have sex at least once a week. What I meant by mature by the way is someone who's a full-blown active homosexual. (But of course, please note that I am not taking this into a general perspective) Because of this kind of trend, gays have a mutual understanding of segregating sex and love. Now, we all seem to know the difference, gays and heterosexuals alike. However, there are still some cases of gay men who may occasionally misconstrue the difference between a spark of sexual desire from a spark of romantic desire. This may lead back again to my question: WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF A PERSON FALLING IN LOVE AT FIRST SEX?

This idea was brought to my attention due to my fortunate meeting with this very very special person, whom I hold so dearly in my heart for the longest time - ROJ. I would be foolish if I am not going to mention here that I was once in love with Roj and only God knows if I still do. Anyway, Roj invited me out for a drink while I was on the bus on my way to Subic to rest from the previous week's toxic work. And I know from the beginning that this is not an invitation brought by vanity. I sensed that there is something going on with him. I could not blame him for this, making me his constant shock absorber, for I have committed myself of being his Fairy Gay Mother instead of being his lover. As pathetic as I was before, I knew that we would not work out fine. So, I guessed that it would be better for us to be friends (for the mean time).

I received news a week ago from a friend that Roj is going out with this certain person. And when my friend told me the name of that certain person, I swear to God, I could never have been more shocked. Well, maybe, I may put it as the next most shocking thing next to Princess Dianna's death. Anyway, I was told that he was dating Mark C., whom I know very little of. However, this Mark C. is quite popular in our circle. First and foremost, he went to the same highschool where Roj and I came from but we never came across him because he was like half a decade older than us. Aside from that, part of his popularity is brought about by winning Mr. Pogi, I'm not really quite sure what year it was. His quest for stardom started and ended there abruptly in Eat Bulaga, after being launched as part of this Boy Group. It was the hey-days of Boy Bands. (a very sad point of history, which I wouldn't try to remember as long as I live) Anyway, another part of his popularity is his notorious reputation of becoming a closet gay, which in turn was attested by a lot of people close to him and as time went by he just went out. As in totally out. That is how little I know of him. (Well, aside from a childhood experience with him, that is not really relevant.)

When Roj and I met last night, I made an impression as if I don't anything by that time. I just wanted him to spill out everything to me. Even though, I knew that he already knew that I knew something. I could never erase that kind of reputation because one way or another, I’m always aware of everything that goes on in his life. He knows that for a fact.

We went to this very unpopulated sing-along bar because we wanted a place where we could talk and at the same time we wanted to sing. Singing is a passion for Roj. Nobody could blame him, he's good at it.

First two beers and we were casually talking and making the usual "kamustahan". How's my life? How's my work? How’s everything going on? Yadda-yadda . . . . which is completely irrelevant for him. Then, how's his life? How's his school? How are the other friends, because I heard that you went out a week ago . . . . . yadda-yadda. And my usual spiel, "Are you seeing someone?"

He answered, "Yes." He smiled. Chuckled. And yes, I dropped the bomb too early, we were only on our second beer.

Then, I went on-stage to sing my own rendition of Erik Santos' "This is The Moment", which I'm proud to say, I got applauded by . . . . . . hmmmmmmm . . . . . . I just remembered there was no one there, well . . . . by the staff and crew. In fairness, it was not just a courteous response to a trying-hard customer, but hell, it is applause-applause.

After my ball-wrecking number, we were on our fourth beer. I lit a cigarette. Moved closer and rested my arms on the table. "So, what about Mark C.?", I just asked, realizing that he did not mention the name yet. Anyway, he didn't react perturbed at that careless question. As I mentioned earlier, he knew that I knew something.

He did not respond quickly, he smiled. Sighed and adjusted himself, as if he'd be more comfortable sitting in a new position on a monobloc chair.

Then after a few long gulps of San Mig Light, he started to talk, "Last week pumunta kami sa Malate nila Grace."

"Ah okay! Anung meron sa Malate?", I asked. Which is again, I know irrelevant.

"Wala lang. The usual. Tapos inaya ko sila sa Timog."

"Anung meron sa Timog? San kayo pumunta don? Sa Padi's Point?", I just wanted to insult him in asking if they went to Padi's Point even though I know that he didn’t and he wouldn't.

"Pumunta kami sa Remission? Alam mo yon?"

"Remission? Hindi!" Honestly, Timog is so out in any of my itineraries. "Okay. So anung meron don sa Remission?"

"Si Mark C. Nagpe-perform siya don."

Ha? Don't tell me showgay na si Mark C.

"May gig sila don ng banda niya," he continued.

"Okay? So, what's with Mark C.?", I finally asked. Hindi pa kasi diretsuhin.

"Kasi, ininvite niya ako na pumunta sa gig nila."

"Teka, pano naman kayo nagkakilala ni Mark C.?"

"Sa friendster," he said.

Ahhhhhh. The POWER of friendster.

"Sa friendster?" I asked, while chuckling. Then I couldn't help myself. I laughed at the thought. "so, nagsimula ito sa friendster?"

"Oo. Nagexchange kami ng number sa friendster, then we started texting."

The age of modern of Romanticism!

"Ininvite niya ako nung gabing yon. Tapos sabi ko parang hindi ko sure na makakapunta ako dahil wala akong pera. Wala naman talaga sa plano ko ang lumabas. Pero, sabi niya, pumunta lang daw ako don, tapos, siya na ang bahala sa akin."

Wow! How very "dirty-old-mannish"

"Tapos?" I knew there's something more.

"Ayun, nung pumunta ako. Inentertain naman niya ako. Nag-stay kami don nang matagal-tagal. Uminom. Hanggang sa nalasing ako. Tapos, tinanong niya kung okay daw na mag-stay ako sa kanila for the night. . . . . . . "

"Pumayag ka naman?", I interjected,

"Oo."

Then there was silence. I anticipated the answer, but I was still stunned.

He continued, "Ayon. Sumama ako sa kanila. Then we did it. Nag-sex kami."

"Nag-enjoy ka naman?"

"Siyempre, I like him eh. Maski na pinagawa niya sa akin yung bagay na hindi ko talaga ginagawa, at first time na nagpaganon ako."

With those words, I looked at him as if I am about to throw up. Then he raised his hands on the air.

"Promise! Talaga! Totoo. First time ko talagang nagpaganon."

"Okay! Okay! Can we just not talk about yung 'nagpaganon'. Kasi hindi talaga magandang pakinggan! Okay!? So, nag-enjoy ka. Then, after that night, what happened?"

"Well, after two nights, ginawa na naman namin. We met again, tapos, I stayed over at his place, again, and we did it . . . . . again. . . . . . . . . . Pero after non, wala nang text-text. Tinext ko siya kinabukasan. Walang reply. Tinext ko naman siya the following day, wala na namang reply. Tinext ko lang siya ng tinext . . . . tapos. Walang reply."

Now, I see where the problem is.

Then Roj started to be more mellow, I sensed pain. He continued, "Alam mo yon. Hindi lang naman ganon yon di ba? Dapat, sana nagtetext siya. Hindi yung after naming magsex. Eh wala lang."

And I have to ask the inevitable question of the day, "Don't tell me you fell for me him na?"

"Well, parang . . . . . siguro. Kasi alam mo yon. Almost eight months after KARL (the infamous ex), wala akong kinasama, wala akong nakasex. I mean, I dated din naman a couple of guys pero hindi ako pumayag na makipag-sex. Sa kanya lang. After eight months . . . . . . sa kanya lang ako pumayag na makipag-sex. And alam mo yon, nagpaganon pa ako. Na maski kay KARL ay hindi ako pumayag. Tapos biglang ganon lang."

By that time, I know that Roj is deeply troubled and perhaps in-love with Mark C. otherwise, he would not react like this.

"Tapos, after a week, nagtext siya sa akin finally. Nangangamusta lang. I took the chance, tinanong ko sa kanya, kung bakit hindi na siya nagparamdam tapos sinabi ko na we really really needed to talk. So nagkita kami. Sabi ko sa kanya, hindi naman ako galit. (He was lying, I can sense, galit siya) Gusto ko siyang, murahin alam mo yon, pero hindi rin eh. Nagsorry siya sa akin, tapos sabi niya na parang we could no longer see each other dahil committed na raw siya. Bullshit di ba? Bakit kailangan ganon? Bakit kailangan magsex kami, alam mo yon? Tapos, committed pala siya?"

I really found that moment very very amusing. Roj is waiting for my reaction because I was like smiling foolishly all the time as he told his story.

Basically, I felt bad for what Roj has been going through at that time and yet equally I felt that he deserved it. Well, not in the sense that he deserved it because he's such an asshole but rather it is worth his experience. I explained to him how he looks at things and how he should not look at things. I told him that he is still new to this kind of lifestyle. He's been gay for like one and a half years most of which were spent in a relationship with Karl. And falling in love with someone who's older than you and obviously whos more sexually active is something better to beware of. Sex is sex and love is a totally different thing while love at first sex is definitely way out of bounds.

Roj told me that Mark is sweet, and kind. Who wouldn't be? You're having sex for crying out loud. Roj also told me that there are certain things in Mark, which is very KARL-like. By then, I knew why this boy was feeling that way. I explained to Roj what I think about this. I told him that pretty much, he's still not over with his previous relationship with Karl. He fashioned a template from Karl, and he might probably feel attracted to any person that resembles that template. I told him how he might have just mistook this feeling of his towards Mark into something deep and romantic, which should not be the case because they just had sex. They met for the first time and they just had sex. He might just be one of Mark's strings of one-night-stands or in his matter, two-night-stands.

As I have mentioned earlier, there is a big difference between sexual need and a romantic need. Sometimes, when we are at the peak of our pleasures, in an orgasmic state of being, we might think that the person who gives us this kind of feeling is the "one" that we should love. At the same time, when we are alone or when we are romantically deprived, the first person that comes into the picture who would eventually give us extreme pleasure might be mistaken as "love", which should always not be the case.

I strongly pointed that out to Roj. I told him that he should learn to pacify his feelings. Love at first sex is just something that is very hard to accept. Especially, when you have sex with this person, who's goodlooking, who's in-demand, whose ass would obviously be grabbed by anybody, at any given time and whose homosexual resumee would include countless sexcapades.

Roj might have not accepted or understood my point but I'm pretty sure that sooner or later, he would learn how to be stone-hearted when it comes to sex. I told him, "It is better to be a bitch than to be someone's personal whore."

My agendum that night is not to convince him or to make him believe what I say to him. I just wanted to share to him my experiences and I just wanted him to hear another point of view with regards to his feelings.

After we parted, I know that he would still long for Mark C., even though that he was already turned down. I know that he would still be hurt, one way or another. He would still fall in love again with somebody else. A fact which is very hard for me to accept. But that is reality. I could not do anything about it.